Relational Youth Ministry

1. Teachers should know their subject

In some senses this one is an obvious – but maybe you too have left the preparation to the very last minute [driving to the youth meeting?] and whilst the subject matter is known to a level it possible would have benefited from more advanced thought – research even?

2. The learner should be interested in learning

Having taught many talks on many Friday nights I understand there is usually a mixed audience when it comes to interest level – sometimes that mixture is beyond our control. The point still stands though – to create effective learning the listener has to be interested.

3. Use language that is common in meaning to both

Make your talks a jargon free zone. There are numerous examples of words that just don’t travel very well across the age divide, or the on-Christian divide or in some cases just the cultural gap. Just imagine what ‘;washed in the blood’ could sound like to the untheological.

4. Keep the lesson simple and it makes common sense

K.I.S.S. = Keep It Simple. Stupid – so let’s just go with the KIS – keeping it simple means more people get the point. It doesn’t mean we don’t have to introduce challenging content, rather that we present it in such a way as they can’t hide behind misunderstanding or lack of understanding.

5. It is better to facilitate self learning

If we can point students ion the direction of self bible study, if we can make it easy for them then their learning will continue well beyond Friday night and will be way ore effective.

6. It is all about review and application – changed lives.

For me, youth ministry teaching is more than intellectual knowledge it’s about an increased relationship between the young person and God – it’s about changed lives. The challenge is for me to hold up the content of what I say against the matrix of life changing potential.

In a recent blog post, Aspen Education Group wrote:

“Friends with benefits” is a term today’s teenagers and college students use for couples who have sex but are not romantically in love.

I have been aware of the use of this phrase for quite some time. However, I don’t think I have ever seen it written down or defined. Seeing it in print renewed my unease with the whole concept.

A new study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that such relationships are common. About 60% of 125 students surveyed at Michigan State University reported having had a “friend with benefits” relationship. Only one-tenth of these couples became full-scale romances. About a third stayed friends but stopped having sex, and a fourth broke off altogether. The rest remained “friends with benefits.”

Of course with statistics we never really know how reliable they are when extrapolated [good word?] out to the general population. In real figures that means that out of the 125 surveyed 24 of them are still ‘enjoying’ a friend with benefits situation.

“We found that people got into these relationships because they didn’t want commitment. It was perceived as a safe relationship, at least at first,” Dr. Timothy Levine observed. “But there was this growing fear that the one person would become more attracted than the other.” The couples usually never talked about one subject: their relationships.

And therein lies the two issues : a lack of commitment and an inability to talk about their relationship.

On scales of intimacy, “friends with benefits” score low on passion and commitment.

If they score low on intimacy and passion then it makes me ask the question – ‘why bother’? But then again the answer comes to mind immediately – it’s just an answer I don’t want to acknowledge!

Adam is a very interesting guy with an unusual experience of life – I love him heaps. I first met him when he was 16 years old and 2 years into his 4 year prison sentence. The main charge was armed robbery.

For those of you that have been involved in the prison system – either as part of your ministry, your past or your profession – you will know some of the hierarchy details. In some senses it is the opposite to ‘life on the out’. The bigger your crime the higher your status (sex offenders excluded). So Adam had instant respect as he arrived in the prison I worked in.

Even though he was on the juvenile unit, I eventually persuaded the senior chaplain to accept Adam as the chaplaincy orderly. (A job that was highly prized – either because they could chat with me or have personal access to cups of coffee – or maybe both!) The reasons I wanted him as an orderly were:

• He had the respect of the other inmates – which meant he wouldn’t be taken advantage of and bullied into providing other people with coffee.
• His work ethic was exemplary and he was always willing to volunteer to help in any way he could.
• He was a reformed young man – whilst he could never be considered a ’softie’ he was certainly gentle and kind hearted.
• All of those attributes contributed to the fact that I liked the guy (and why I am still in touch 9 years and 12,000 miles later – but thats for later in the story)

As I am writing this my mind went back to a time when 2 cigarettes and a block of Bourneville chocolate was stolen from the chaplaincy centre, (Bourneville, for those of you not living in countries served by Cadbury’s chocolate is a plain, dark chocolate). Adam was furious that they had gone ‘on his watch’ and the word was put out to find the culprit. I hastily amended the finer points of the request by stating I wanted to see him rather than Adam.

The thief arrived in my office within the hour and whilst I can no longer recall his name I can still see his face – he was reasonably scared. By the time we met both the cigarettes and the chocolate had been consumed and he was very grateful for my intervention! He readily agreed to ‘earn’ his stolen fruit by working in the chapel and Adam readily agreed to supervise and ensure he worked with suitable effort. I am sure Adam did it for the good of the chaplaincy and not because it was his chocolate – unavailable in prison but brought in as a gift from a grateful boss.

But my digression has meant I must come back to Adam in a future post.

The Bible says that without a vision the people will perish and I have found that people (young and old) are more vibrant and engaged when they are working towards something – some goal is encouraging them along the way. Some time ago my wife preached a sermon called Freedom from Mundane Thinking and, as she likes to do, she did an acrostic of the word dream. I offer it here [in an abridged form] to use as you wish – maybe even to dream yourself?

D – Dare to Dream

Every dream we have starts in the mind and can be put there by God direct! What we have to do, the risk we need to take, is dare to accept it and make it our own. Hopefully it will stretch us and develop us into bigger people as we dare to do more than we ever thought possible.

R – be Realistic

Being realistic doesn’t mean that we need to make our goal easy – it just means that we ensure that it is achievable. Ideally we won’t be able to do it by ourselves, it will be too big – we will need God to come through and be with us all the way.

E – Express It

If we never talk about it we run the risk of never making it as we can talk ourselves in and out of things with ease [we have had years of practice]. So tell someone – ideally someone who will be supportive and encouraging. The purpose isn’t to expect them to do it for you but for them to be aware and prompt you by asking how things are going.

A – Age is irrelevant

You are never too young or never too old to dream – KFC was founded by a guy with his pension money (yes it was Colonel Sanders) ad Josiah was a king at 8 years old as well as the bulk of the disciples being teenagers when they first encountered Jesus.

M – Make it Happen

Having a dream is great but it would be foolish to think we can then just sit around and it will magically come to pass. No, we have to do our bit and make it happen. Someone once said that we should pray as though only God could do it and work as though only we could do it. Effort reaps rewards.

For a limited time I am happy to email you either the transcript, the workbook or the audio file [hey all of them if you ask nicely] – limited time = end of November 2007. Please comment here with a valid email address.

This post was inspired by Life in Student Ministry – 100 blog topics I hope YOU will write.

In youth ministry we run the risk of being out of balance by failing to consider the varying needs of the young people in our care. Human beings are complex creatures made in the image of God, with different aspects of need, different areas of development. Adolescents often need outside input and influences as they are moving from children to adults – our task is to offer a balanced approach.

Spiritual
Many of you reading this may argue that the purpose of a Christian youth group is to develop the spiritual nature of young people. To provide resources, encouragement and skills to enable them to deepen their relationship with God is our ultimate purpose. However, to solely concentrate on the spiritual side of life at the exclusion of other aspects will greatly diminish the effectiveness of your work.

Of course youth need skills in maintaining an effective prayer life, developing a sustainable method of Bible study. Many need help in recognising God’s voice and planning their future. They need challenging to grow and to speak to their friends about God, to experience worship and receive relevant, contemporary teaching. But they need more than that to develop as whole people and if we don’t provide opportunities for intellectual, emotional and social needs to be met then they will seek those essential resources from outside the group.

Intellectual
During their teenage years the young person moves from thinking in concrete terms to more abstract, they become more curious, begin to have fantasies and display the trend towards a quick turnover of ‘ideas of the week’. They begin to learn by self discovery and may show signs of under valuing the experience of others – especially adults. They begin to question things – beliefs and values – they have held since childhood, they want to think them through for themselves.

It is essential that we give them necessary intellectual stimulation and opportunities for discussion and debate. We need to abandon the safe ground of didactic teaching for the unsure, unchartered waters of discursive methodologies. If we ignore this area of life they will gain their intellectual growth and challenges from non Christian sources.

Emotional
These are times of intense and fluctuating emotions often at the mercy of hormonal change. It can feel like a roller coaster ride along with the pressure of establishing a settled identity. Pressure on all sides to be this or that creates confusion, inconsistency, discouragement and even anger.

Any youth leader will also know that this is a time of intense romantic activity [even if it is only in their head] and often one of a self esteem crisis. We need to offer a space where emotions are accepted and can be displayed, discussed and understood. Teaching on anger – it’s sources and its management, on the changing emotions felt by young people, that big boys DO cry, grief, joy etc. We need to provide listening ears, acceptance and safety. If we don’t then who will?

Social
One of the effects of the changing emotional scene and the need for identity is a desire for a sense of belonging and social acceptance. It is highly relevant which groups you belong to, the parties you are invited to, the independence you are given.

The social life of our groups can go a long way to meeting these needs. It is good to organise inclusive activities (be aware of the different financial capabilities of your young peoples families for example) that provide fun without any of the negatives – cliques or lower moral standards (be careful which films you organise to watch). Some youth leaders use the social activities to encourage existing members to invite their friend – a great idea!

Summary
We need to minister to the whole person and we can provide balance in a young person’s life by offering a balanced youth ministry.

One of the keys to successful youth ministry – well relational ministry – is the ability to ask good questions (there are other skills which we will come to in due course) – but I have a couple of questions that work for me and I thought I would share them with you.

Early in the initial meeting I ask my all time favourite question “Who are you?” There is only one thing that needs to happen before I ask it and that is an understanding of who I am and what I do – some kind of context. So I don’t walk up to young people on the street and ask “Who are you?” unless they already know me from school and then I might. It’s a favourite question because it can’t easily be answered and it enables me to find out the basic and advanced information I need to work out how to take the relationship forward. Let me give you an example:

If I meet someone in school then I usually start off by saying:

I am not a teacher – so I don’t care about your exam results or if you have done your homework on time. I am not a counsellor because they have to sit like this (adopt a very open posture) and ask questions like “how does that make you feel” (most if not all young people laugh and say they are glad as they don’t want to talk to a counsellor). I then go on to say I am a youth worker and I am simply a guy that cares – and I ask permission to ask them 2 questions. So they agree and I fire “Who are you”.

They answer by giving their name – and I respond with “:Thats your name – who are you” From time to time we play the game a couple more times as they tell me they are a student or a boy/girl or whatever. I then ask for their date of birth. I repeat it in this form: So on May 14th 1992 your Mum said ‘this hurts!’ – take me from there.

I purposefully interrupt, seek clarification, ask for expansion and effectively get them to talk me through their life – where they were born; have they moved house; who lives in their house (great question for finding out if they are from a blended family); where they fit in the genealogy – older brothers? younger sisters? It is this information gathering phase that I find the facts and their feelings and usually find the hook to talk about in more detail.

The second question usually comes right at the end of our time together – but I will tell you more about that in a future post.

In the meantime – try it out, play with it, ask someone ‘who are you’ – see how they respond. Get someone to ask you who you are too! If you want to leave a comment with your experiences that would be great!

I recently came across this short piece in New Life – which is Australia’s Christian Newspaper.

Way back in 2002 ….. two serial killers were
shooting in random fashion. One was the
older John Allen Muhammad who, with his
young 17 year old protégée Lee Boyd
Malvo, killed ten people and injured three
others in October of that year.
Malvo managed to get a call through
from his prison cell in Virginia to the daughter
of one of his victims, Jerry Taylor. He
apologised to Sheryll Witz, and she said
she was glad he had not got the death
penalty. He assured her that earlier Lee
(himself) and the present Lee, were two different
people. A New York social worker
said he ‘has freed himself from his mentor
Muhammad’s psychological grip. He has
evolved into a young man who really wants
to make amends, who is truly remorseful’.
How tragic it is that older mentors can lead
young people astray. A wise mentor is a gift
from God but young people need to be sure
they do not make a terrible choice such as
Lee Malvo did.

I find the article challenging – not so much from a personal perspective because I believe I am not leading young people astray but more that the influence one person can have on another. Challenging to know that God has given me giftings to shape the lives of young people, challenging in that I so want to get it right.

We are not designed to go it alone so I suggest that we build a team of youth workers. This post is looking at a vital support team that
I would recommend you begin recruiting straight away [or
encouraging if you already have one] – a prayer support team.

The concept isn’t a new one – we can find it in Exodus 17 – Joshua is fighting while Moses is praying [not that youth work always seems like a battle]. In the story it is, of course, God’s power that won the battle – but more due to Moses’ work than Joshua’s. The battle needed both men and then God did what only God can do.

They key for us is to realise that while we are on the front line of ministry it is vital that we have people interceding on our behalf.

One of my life’s motivating bible verses is found in Ezekiel 22:30 – the concept of standing in the gap. I feel I am required to stand in the gap for the young people in my city, my nation. This is the same concept employed by people praying for my work and me.

We first came across this concept at a family camp held for the staff of British YFC one of the national staff was explaining how they had a group of close friends who they shared issues with and then they prayed for them – specifically and intentionally. It sparked my wife and I to set on a quest that, even several years later, has several intercessors praying for us regularly.

The keys to making personal prayer support teams work are as
follows:

Recruitment

The right people are essential to be effective although
you can have several levels of prayer partner. The closer your knowledge of the people you recruit will increase the trust factor and therefore you will be able to share issues at a deeper level. Of course you need spiritually mature people who pray! When you approach people you can discuss their thoughts before either of you make a commitment.

Information

The second key is providing them with relevant, current material to feed their prayers. A word of caution here – this can become difficult to maintain. We have tried various methods but have settled on a weekly email system. Again the effectiveness will be enhanced by the quality and depth of the material.

Feedback

Two-way communication – feedback from the pray-ers is simply great to receive – encourage it in every way possible. For us, some of our people live 12,000 miles away so email, works here too.

It might have gone without saying – but we should pray for them too.When you have set up a team to support you then I would encourage you to teach this to your young people and provoke them to getting prayer support teams for themselves.

The dictionary definition of accountable is: Adjective: liable to account, responsible, explicable.

My first experience of youth group leadership (in the late 1980’s) did not give me a good example.experience of accountability in action. The theory was good in that I was accountable to the senior pastor of the church. The weakness was in the practical outworking of the theory. In the three years that I led the youth he (the senior minister) didn’t attend the youth group once. Now I realise that attending the meeting wasn’t the only was the minister could find out what I was doing (his daughter attended the youth group!) – but it was one of the ways that he could show that he cared about what was going on.

So – three questions for you:

1. What does accountability look like?
2. Who are you accountable to and how is it working?
3. Who are you accountable for and how is that working?

What does accountability look like?

As the dictionary states, it is being liable to account. In a church setting you are responsible to someone (if you are a volunteer or a staff member) and you should be able to provide an account of what is happening in your ministry and in your life. Don’t see it as a negative thing or a task to be avoided but more of a positive experience, a safeguard, a protection, a covering that you should no be without. In a Christian sense we are keeping each other accountable to our actions according to God’s law.

The way accountability works (beyond just a work setting) is that you have a partner that you meet on a (preferably) weekly basis and ask questions about their week. The only way it works is to be completely honest – you have to want a steady, deepening relationship with God. If you are weak in a certain area then it would be great to talk about it with someone you can trust.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 “Two are better than one… For if they fall one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up”.

Who are you accountable to and how is it working?

Of course we are all accountable to God (Romans 14:12 – Each of us will give an account of himself to God) and to the leaders of the church/organisation we work in (Hebrews 13:17 Obey your leaders and submit to them). Although accountability , in the sense we are talking here, can be wider than that. It would be good to form an accountability partnership or group if you are not already in one. It would also be good to regularly review how things are going.

Who are you accountable for and how is that working?

Many of us will have tram members that we lead or work with, volunteers that give their time to work with young people and of course, young people themselves. We need to make sure that we are proactive and show them we are interested ion what they are doing and how they are progressing – both in the work they and and generally in life.

• How often do you meet with your team?
• Do you only talk about the work?
• When was the last time you asked them about their relationship with God?
• Have you developed a structure where people can form accountability partnerships and groups? Is it working?

Summary

Let’s take accountability from a theory that should be there to something that is there. Let’s take it from something that is there to something that is actually working.

These would be four books to get you thinking:

1. Postmodern Youth Ministry – Tony Jones – Zondervan

“This book might make you mad. It might run completely against your ministry philosophy – and even some of your long held beliefs about the church and your faith. But in the end, it will prove an indispensable reference for all ministry professionals and college and seminary students committed to reaching teenagers in our pluralistic, information-drenched, constantly changing world.”

2. Your First Two Years in Youth Ministry – Doug Fields – Zondervan

“Employing his renowned wisdom and humour – as if you and Doug were chatting over a long,relaxing meal – the author disarmingly relates stories and principles from his own successes and failures over 20 plus years in youth ministry. In the end, he offers treasure troves of practical advice, all in the hope that new youth workers can travel a smoother path and achieve real longevity in a church culture that all too often chews them up and spits them out.”

3. Youth Ministry that Transforms – Merton Strommen + – Zondervan

“2,130 full-time youth ministers from dozens of Protestant denominations and parachurch organisations answered a battery of exhaustive, deliberate questions. … Their answers revealed a dedicated group of professionals, concerned about the students in their ministries, but troubled with a variety of perplexing issues.”

4. Four Views of Youth Ministry and the Church – Mark H Senter III + – Zondervan

“In a dialogue that often gets downright feisty, four youth ministry academicians delineate their distinct philosophical ad ecclesiological views regarding how youth ministry relates to the church at large – and leave a taste of what’s profound and what’s not in these four typologies: Inclusive congregational; Preparatory; Missional and Strategic.”

As an aside I didn’t realise they would all be from Youth Specialties / Zondervan.

This post was inspired by Tim Schmoyer – his post on 100 blog topics I hope YOU write.