Relational Youth Ministry

There was a specific time, a specific place, a specific young person that caused me to change to become a relational youth worker. It was summer (the kind that North Wales gets) and I was the Bible speaker at a youth camp for 15-17 year olds (about 30 of them). It was in a town called Nefyn – the camp being in a field with portable toilets brought in for the experience but no showers. Half way into the 109 day camp we took them to a resort for a swim (read for a wash!)

The bus journey saw me sat next to David and the conversation could only be described as “small talk”. I don’t do small talk, I don’t like small talk – so I asked a big question. “David, where is God in your life?” His answer shaped my ministry and life. he said “I am a really good Christian – on a Sunday” and then he started to cry. He went on to explain that he lived differently at school to how he lived at home. How his school friends could never visit his home or know about church and how his parents would be devastated if they saw him at school.

Of course it isn’t rocket science to realise that young people live that way. What was a surprise was David’s willingness (need even) to talk about his life – no holds barred. I spent the rest of my time at the camp experimenting and it seemed that all of the young people longed to have an adult conversation with someone who cared. They talked about their dreams, their pain, their shame, their joys, their family – their life.

They preferred it to my public talks! They enjoyed my jokes, my speaking style, my visual ‘tricks’, my points – but they preferred just knowing me and I loved knowing them.

I am almost 15 years on from that camp and have chatted to hundreds of young people – here are 5 points to ponder:

• Young people crave friendship with an adult who cares
• Young people will walk when they believe you are safe [I will come back to this in the future]
• Young people – the ‘nice’ ones still have issues they struggle with
• Young people – even the bad ones – are worth time and effort (especially the bad ones?)
• Relational Youth Ministry is not a short term fix and it isn’t easy – but extremely rewarding as well as frustrating.

Young people [and those not so young] have various needs that should be met by a well rounded youth ministry:

• Social
• Intellectual
• Emotional
• Physical
• Spiritual

Each youth group will have it’s own particular blend of flavour – mainly depending on it’s leadership. If the youth leader is big into praying then so will the group; if they love games then the group will have a blast doing social things. But for me there is a need for balance between Relational and Program based ministry. I feel that the balance has, over time, swayed towards Program based ministry – so if this post seems biased it is in the spirit of challenging the status quo.

Of course program are essential – they can be used to build group dynamic, invite new people, create a great atmosphere and enable youth workers to plan and strategise and ensure that all of the important topics are catered for. But programs are not enough by themselves.

Young people want more, they want connection, reality, understanding – they want a relationship. The research I took for my Master’s Degree resulted in the fact that young people leave the church because they didn’t have a relationship with a caring adult. Yes they initially said they left because church was boring – but young people that stayed said the same thing.

Relational youth work takes time – a commodity that we are often poor of – it doesn’t come with quick results – a commodity we are often pressured to produce – but I believe it is more long lasting [look out for some stories in the future of young people I still connect with after 10+ years and 12,000 miles].

Isaac, The Rookie Youth Worker talks about it:

the rarest gift teenagers have is an adult presence who truly listens to them, and those words jumped out at me. I like to teach, and talk, and I put a lot of pressure on myself to always have something useful and Godly to say to my students when I see them.

But this morning I decided to go about things a little differently; I went in determined to listen. And before the main service, I’d had four good conversations, two of them with students I haven’t seen in a while

Let’s start off by saying that I am not referring to linking computers together in your home office – in fact I am not talking about computers at all. I am referring to building relationships with other youthworkers and networking with them.

The theory is often looked at positively, being in a network can open opportunities to:

• hear of other resources [even borrow and test drive them]
• link with other youth groups for combined events – demonstrating unity to our young people [and not just widening their pool of prospective partners]
• find like minded people to pray with, give and receive support, bounce ideas to and from
• understand other ways of ministry, avoid duplication of effort, coordinate diary dates across the city

But is the theory enough? Do we see networking as a priority or just something that needs to be squeezed into an over full diary? Do we see it as a place to receive or a place to give?

I think those questions are easier to answer than the ones that illuminate any tendency we may have to think we have got it right, we can do it on our own. Those are too hard – let’s move on!

I suppose I shouldn’t be amazed – but it takes so much effort to put on a training day [even when it is in-house for just our denomination]. So much that tomorrow I am sending out notification that we are changing the date as it just won’t come together in time.

As I dwell on some of the reasons it seems obvious that it is more to do with group dynamics than organisational abilities.

We are in a period of transition [I have just been appointed into the role of State Youth Director] and the date was set by the previous administration. Which is cool – apart from I can’t be there.

Delegation is a great theory but couple that with not actually going to be there – well, it proved too much. The next date [7 weeks later] is in my diary so I have to make it happen this time!

Any suggestions?

Just this last few days I have received 2 different emails from 2 different places asking me to recommend a speaker for a camp and a leader for a camp. Which got me thinking [sometimes it takes quite a bit to get me thinking and sometimes I just can't stop].

Now, of course, it is flattering that they asked me but I was more wondering – where do people go looking? how do they decide? and do they think, in advance, of the sort of person they want?

Here are some of the questions that I need to ask them to allow me to make a valid recommendation – the open/above board/ voiced questions [the unvoiced, hidden questions will follow]:

• What is the purpose of the camp
• What age will the young people be that are attending
• Does the camp have a theme yet [I do hope it will have one - but thats an aside]
• Where is the camp and what are the dates
• What are your expectations of the leader/speaker

Their ability to answer the above questions will answer one or two of the following unvoiced ones [these are included for camp organisers to know what is going through a potential speakers [well mine at least] head:

• Have they got a clue about this camp
• Have they thought through the basics
• Am I really the right person to do this [a.k.a. do I want to do this]
• I wonder what the money will be like
• God, do you really want me to do this?

Of course there are the spiritual questions too – but they go without typing.

What do you think should be the criteria for a speaker?

In some sense it is unrealistic to think that the world can cope with yet another blog, but then equally it is possible that my unique perspective on youth ministry with my blend of coaching, relational ministry and often controversial views might just find an avid reader somewhere in the world.

So – it is launched – and here is post number 1 – no doubt I will have heaps to learn about blogging and the software – but that will happen in the way I usually learn – by doing, by failing, by trying again and by hopefully not giving up.

Contrasts

Within the last month I have been a speaker at the same camp site [only 3.5 hours drive away], but apart from location the experiences had nothing in common. One was a group of 17 teenagers from various places most of which had, at best, a passing interest in God; the other had 320 on fire young people en masse from my denomination.

For sure God moved in both situations – a conversation with the male [13 year old] partner of a night time liaison just before he was picked up as he was sent home from camp; a mass altar call in response to a great message [not inflating my ego here as I only did a workshop]

The question that remains is – which did I enjoy the most? Does that indicate a calling? Where are we most effective? Should we be able to minister in all places or is it acceptable to specialise?

OK – I agree – that was more than one question.